Night Talks
by AssassinWolf
Summary: AU Just when he thought things couldn't get any worse. M for language


**Author's Notes:**

**Idea, with full permission, borrowed by stupidmajor ()**

Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who

* * *

**Night Talks**

The Doctor sighed and shifted to a more comfortable position.

_Two hours,_ he thought, _two hours trapped in another alien jail without the sonic screwdriver._

The planet was an arid desert with a beautiful twin sunsets (that's why they were here in he first place). He thought there was no life form on the planet; he was wrong. One minute they were watching the sunsets and the next they were in a cold, dark jail.

Another two hours passed by and nothing stirred. He was just about to formulate a plan when Jack started to mutter from the depths of his bunk - if you could call it a bunk. The Doctor crept over to the bunk, where just the top of Jack's head was showing from under the blanket. "Jack?"

"Dc?" came his muffled voice.

"What? You awake?" The Doctor squatted down next to him.

"Toads. We need toads." Jack was still buried inside the bag, so the Doctor wasn't sure he'd heard him right.

"Toads? Did you say toads, Jack?"

"And eggs."

"Toads...and eggs?" The Doctor looked up and shrugged at Martha, who had woken up when the Doctor started talking.

"Jack must be talking in his sleep."

"What? Oh, I forgot humans do that."

"Frogs" mumbled Jack. "Newts."

"What's he on about?"

"Earth amphibians."

"I know that...I just want to know...why?"

"Cheese," added Jack from the depths of his sleeping bag.

"Is he going to shut up?"

"Add a dash of chili," murmured Jack.

"Oh God, he's cooking!" The Doctor groaned.

Unfortunately, the Doctor's complaints had woken up Rose. "What's going on?" she grumbled.

"Not enough chocolate," mumbled Jack.

"No," sighed The Doctor. "Jacky-boy here is cooking amphibians in his sleep. Unfortunately for us, he's talking about it."

"Wake him up, then," suggested Martha. The Doctor rolled his eyes at her. "I'll do it then." She went nearer to Jack, and gently shook his shoulder. "Jack, Jack wake up."

There was no response from Jack. He appeared to have stopped talking, though. Rose and Martha waited a couple of minutes to ensure that he really had stopped, and then both went back to bed.

"Thank you, Martha," said The Doctor in a heartfelt fashion. He sat down against the wall to formulate his plan.

"Oh no no no no!"

"Jack? What is it?" Rose and Martha both sat bolt upright at the sound of his anguished cry.

"You burnt it! You burnt the toad!"

"Aaaargh!" yelled the Doctor. "He hasn't stopped. That's it; I'm going to wake him up properly!"

"Ooh, hello!" Jack exclaimed. His tone of voice had completely changed. It was now flirtatious, almost seductive. "Want to come out and play?"

"Don't wake him up yet," Rose said, an evil grin on her face. "This is getting interesting now."

"At least he's stopped cooking that revolting concoction!" Martha laid back down on top of her blanket and listened for Jack's next offering.

"Oh, that's naughty. Bad girl!"

"What is he dreaming about?" The Doctor was amazed.

"Unfortunately, it's been proven that what you say while you're asleep frequently bears no relation to what you're dreaming about. Shame. I wonder who he's talking to?" Martha pointed out.

Jack laughed, a deep throaty laugh, quite unlike anything he'd ever come up with while awake. "Try this one for size!" He giggled.

"Jack! You dirty...!" Martha was a loss for words. She had never heard Jack talk like this (which is a surprise really, since he always talks dirty).

Jack suddenly shifted and coughed. He rolled over and half sat up. All of them laid down, pretending to be sleep.

Jack laid back down and turned on his side. There was a significant pause. The Doctor was just beginning to think that the entertainment had stopped for the night when Jack started again. "That won't fit in there."

The Doctor sat up and saw that the girls were already sitting up listening. "What do you think he's talking about now?" he asked.

"No idea. He's only just got started again," Rose replied, her voice low.

"Sir, I really don't think..." Jack said.

"Sir?" The Doctor mouthed to Rose and Martha, and they both shrugged.

"In your office. That's not a good idea," Jack added.

"What?" Martha squeaked.

"I like the garter belt, though," Jack continued. "Fuchsia pink is such a good color for you."

Rose laughed as The Doctor's gaped.

"Ooh," giggled Jack. "Now that's an interesting use for chocolate body-paint!"

"Chocolate body paint?" echoed Martha

"Kinky," muttered Rose.

"Hel-lo," said Jack, before the Doctor had a chance to formulate any reply. "You come to play, too?"

All of them exchanged glances.

"Oh goody, I like group hugs. Especially this kind of group hug."

"Group hug?" The Doctor sputtered. "Is that what it's called these days?"

"What what's called?" asked Martha.

"Threesomes," Rose replied.

"Some people might call this a threesome..." Jack started. "But I think that this would only qualify if people were naked. Oh yes, this would be so much better if we were all naked."

"Oh my," Rose gasped.

"But how do we decide who gets naked first?"

"Taking it in turns?" The Doctor raised an eyebrow.

"The game is rock paper scissors," continued Jack, "Doc, you're up first."

"Rock paper scissors?" Martha asked.

"Such a mature way to decide anything," added Rose sarcastically. "Bet Jack picks rocks every time."

"Oh dear," interrupted Jack. "My rock blunts your scissors, Doc. You lose."

"When did I get dragged into this sordid dream?" The Doctor mused. "And anyway - me lose to you? Only in your dreams, Jacky-Boy."

"Am I going to have to resort to violence, Doc? I have an weapon here with your name on it."

"An weapon?" Martha squeaked, eyes wide and slightly pink with embarrassment.

"So come on, Doc," Jack said, sounding more like his usual self.

"What?" The Doctor scowled.

"You heard me, Doc." Jack rolled over to face the others, eyes open. "And no, I'm not asleep."

"Why you little...!" The Doctor glared at him. "How long have you been awake?"

"A while. How could you honestly think that I could sleep through you yelling about threesomes and how noisy I was? I'm amazed you could hear anything at all - you were making such a racket!"

"You started it," The Doctor responded a little petulantly.

"Started what?" Jack looked suitably indignant.

"Talking about threesomes."

"Actually, I didn't, you did. I called it a group hug."

"But..." Rose giggled at the confused expression on the Doctor's face.

"You fed me the lines so I used them." Jack was clearly struggling to maintain his air of innocence.

"That's not fair!" The Doctor sputtered. "Anyway, you were talking in your sleep, so that's what started it."

"I was?" jack looked embarrassed. "What did I say?"

"You were trying to cook a toad with chocolate and chili."

"Really?"

"Yep," Martha replied.

Jack looked somewhat sheepish. "Sorry. Must have been really overtired - I only do it when I'm exhausted."

"Anyway, let's all try and get some sleep, shall we?" growled The Doctor. "So I can figure out a plan to get us out of here."

Before long, the other three were snuggled up in their blankets. The Doctor was almost content (and almost asleep) when he heard a faint muttering from Jack's direction. Annoyed once again, he glared at Jack; daring him to talk.

To his immense relief, Jack didn't continue, but started to snore quietly instead.

For twenty minutes the only sound was the crackling of the fire and Jack's light snoring.

The next sound shattered the peace and woke Jack.

"Roses? For me? Thank you so much..."

"Rose!"

"Shut up, humans!"


End file.
